


Lowlife

by Kapua



Category: The Good Wife (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-27
Updated: 2015-08-27
Packaged: 2018-04-17 11:12:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4664445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kapua/pseuds/Kapua
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kalinda before Nick, after Nick, before Alicia, and after Alicia.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lowlife

**Author's Note:**

> This is pretty dark and angsty, so proceed with caution if you are looking for fluffy bunnies and ended up here by mistake.

"Come on baby, let me take you away from all this shit.  A beautiful girl like you deserves better, and I can give you better and then some."    
  
His voice was smooth as silk, cajoling and persuasive.  It was tempting...nobody had ever cared about her before Nick.  The only attention she ever got from her family came in the form of fists and groping, sweaty hands.  But Nick…he was charming, and smart, and handsome, and he never demanded anything from her.  Instead he spoiled her, buying her meals when there was nothing but alcohol in her family’s flat, getting her new clothes when hers were too worn though to survive another day, and letting her crash with him when she needed to.  If that wasn’t love, she didn’t know what was.  

“But my family…” Her protest was halfhearted, more perfunctory than anything else.  Her mind was already spinning with the possibilities of a fulltime life with Nick where she would never have to worry about anything ever again.    
  
He extended his hand to her and his voice was gentle, soothing.  “Leela, you’re only 14.  You deserve to be taken care of and loved by a  _real_ family.  Let me be that family for you.”  She was still shy, but there was no hesitation when she took his hand and let him pull her into the car.    
  
“Okay.”

****

“Nick…I don’t know if I want to do that.”  

She shifted nervously from foot to foot, not liking the feeling of voicing dissent.  Nick was so good to her; he’d kept his promise to be her family and then some, and she loved him more than she would have ever thought possible.  There was no way she could ever repay him for the life he had shown her over the last 6 months, so she had resolved to try to prove to him that she was worth it.  

A guy like him was a catch, after all, and at barely 15 now she still didn’t always understand what had made him choose her when he could have had any woman he wanted.  She knew that there were things he could get from other women if she didn’t provide them, and she did everything in her power to measure up to his expectations so that he would see he didn’t need to stray.  But this…the request was unnerving, and she fidgeted as she waited for his response.  

It came with a scoff and a disappointed look in his eyes that made her feel like she had failed an important test.  “Leela, grow up.  He’s an old friend of mine and he’s helping with my new business.  I promised him a good time when he was visiting, and you’re going to deliver that.  You don’t contribute to this family any other way, and it’s time for you to stop fucking around and pull your weight.”  

Nodding her head quickly, Leela spoke all in a rush, desperate to make the disappointment lingering in Nick’s eyes go away.  “You’re right, I’m sorry, what do you need me to do?”  

Nick smiled and pulled her onto his lap.  “That’s my girl.  You’re going to go get all dolled up, and when he gets here you’re going to go and greet him with a kiss, and after that you’re going to do whatever he seems to want.”  

She nodded once more, and as she stood to go get ready she let the crushing relief at having passed the test after all drown the whispers of dread that things were about to change.

****

Nick wakes her up early one morning, excited and talking fast about how he wants them to take a drive, that he misses spending time together just the two of them.  She’s cautious, two long years of watching her life spiral out of control telling her that this is not really going to be a happy day.  

In spite of the alarm bells ringing like mad in her head, she gets ready and gets in the car, but her stomach plummets when they pull into a pet store about an hour away.  Nick practically drags her through the store, telling her he wants to get her a pet, and she feels like she might be sick as all the ways this could go wrong flash through her mind.  She protests as much as she can without offending him, but he gets her a puppy anyways, fluffy and white and curious about the world.  

They pick up the supplies they might need- a dog bed, dog food, water dish, leash, and collar- and the puppy rides in her lap on the way home.  It nibbles her fingers with its sharp puppy teeth and as she feels the silky fur slide between her fingers she begins to let her guard down.  Maybe Nick really does just want to do something nice for her, maybe things are going to get better.  They get home and she puts the puppy in the bedroom so it can’t get into trouble while she makes dinner.  As she begins to pull ingredients out of the cupboards, Nick’s voice cuts across the room.  “Don’t bother, I’ve got a job for you.”  

She freezes before turning slowly.  Maybe since he is in such a good mood, if she asks in just the right way he won’t make her go.  “Babe, I really just want to spend time with you to thank you for everything today, do I-“  

She doesn’t get to finish her sentence before the beer bottle Nick was drinking from is flying at her, hitting the wall and sending a spray of alcohol over her.  “I just spent a small fucking fortune on you, you fucking ungrateful bitch.  And now you want to be lazy, take a night off?  That’s the thanks I get?”  

Before she can react he’s on top of her, stripping her to her bra and underwear and dragging her towards the door.  He thrusts her outside into the cold February night.  “If you’re not going to work then you can fucking find somewhere else to live.”  

The door slams, and she stands frozen for only a second before the glare of headlights turning onto the street causes her to run and hide behind the building’s dumpster. She doesn’t want to be seen, doesn’t want to be too close to the door in case Nick starts looking for her, but she also has nowhere else to go.  He doesn’t let her have friends, she doesn’t know anybody in a 1200km radius, she’s nearly naked and at least behind the dumpster she can be sure to find cardboard boxes to help ward off the chill from the air.  

By the time dawn breaks she is numb from cold and as soon as it’s a decent hour she stands and goes to knock on the door.  She can’t see another option, and she’s terrified but she’s also freezing.  The door opens and she holds her breath as Nick smiles and ushers her inside.  “I’m so glad you came back baby, I was wrong to say those things to you last night.  In fact, I have a present for you to make up for it!”  

Dread coils as she sees the beautifully wrapped box sitting on the counter.  

“Open it, open it!”  

His voice is gleeful, and she feels like she’s in a trance as she moves to the box and begins peeling back the layers.  The wrapping reveals the jewelry box he got her last year, and he is practically jumping up and down waiting for her to open it.  She lifts the lid, and the second she sees the contents she goes numb.  

The puppy’s head is sitting there, the rest of the body nowhere to be found, and the glassy eyes stare up at her accusingly.  

_All my fault._

When she thinks back on it years later, this is the moment she truly breaks.  Sitting there, body and mind numbed of all feeling- this is when the last vestiges of hope and resistance trickle out of her body. 

This is her life now, it’s not going to change or get better, and Nick’s display is sending her a clear message: _there is nothing off limits to me, and I will not hesitate to do whatever it takes to keep you in line._

***

They travel from town to town all across Canada so Nick can recruit new girls.  They operate under the guise of a marionette show at carnivals, and if it wasn’t so horrifying Leela would almost be impressed with the cover. 

Parents are charmed by Nick and see her working there, and they practically beg them to take on their teenage daughters for the summer.  Nick is able to screen the girls who work the show, but his main targets are the girls that hang around just looking to talk and have some company.  Those are the girls most like Leela herself, she thinks bitterly, and they are the ones that nobody will miss should they turn up missing one day.  He typically only wants to run them for a night or two to maximize his profits and minimize the risk of getting caught, but all of that changes the day he brings Ayla home.  He smirks at Leela and tells her they’ve got a new member of the family, telling the girl to make herself at home before leaving. 

She wants to hate this new girl.  She really, truly does.  She wants to tear her apart and leave her bleeding on the floor, because maybe then Nick won’t want her anymore and the girl can be spared everything that Leela knows is in her future.  She wants to scream at her, make her reconsider, ask her what the fuck she’s thinking being here, tell her that _anything_ is better than the life she has just signed on for. 

But all of that flies out of her head as soon as Ayla turns and she really gets a look at her.  Sad brown eyes look at her knowingly, and- _damn it._   All she wants to do then is find a way to wipe the cruelties the other girl has experienced away, and now the hate that was bubbling in her earlier is directed at herself.  It’s a dangerous game, to even consider caring for someone else. 

A brief image of the puppy’s glassy eyes flashes through her mind before she banishes it. 

_No,_ she tells herself.  She is older now (some days she is almost amazed she has lived to be 19), and there are no illusions about who Nick is and what he is capable of to cloud her head.  She can do this, try to offer Ayla some shelter from the rest of the world, and she can do it without getting either of them killed.

****

Ayla is from a First Nations reserve that had been about an hour from where that carnival had been.  She was 18 and looking for a way to get away from her family, she said, looking for a way to start a new life.  Nick picked her up when he was driving around and saw her walking on the side of the road, and when he offered her a place to stay and a way to earn a living she had accepted (Leela almost gags when she remembers Nick telling her he always liked driving through the reservations best because nobody in the rest of the world gives a fuck if a Native girl goes missing). 

Leela’s heart aches with the thought of another girl like her, young and looking for security and mistakenly seeing it in the suave white man with piercing blue eyes and a generous pocket book.  The two of them grow closer, and as the realities of her new life set in Leela tries her best to guide Ayla and keep her from the worst of it. 

She tells her that a lot of the men will see her as something exotic, an exciting new notch in their bedposts.  She coaches her through the fetishization when Ayla comes back in tears one night over the racist comments of the man she had been sent to.  They are a safe space of sorts for each other, though Leela is careful to never show any kind of affection or fondness for the other girl in Nick’s presence.  

But when he is out late, at a party or god knows where else, the two of them sit on the floor, shoulders brushing as they talk.  They don’t always talk about the hard things.  Some nights they sit and dream together, the reality of their lives replaced with visions of warm houses, good food, and no cloud of fear pressing down on them.  It is, Leela thinks, what she had hoped for all those years ago when Nick plied her with promises of a real family. 

And sometimes, in the buzzing light of the one bulb in the flat, she sees Ayla looking at her with something that passes friendship.  If she was honest with herself, she knows her own eyes likely tell a similar story.  But the life they live is not one of their dreams, and she can’t afford to lose someone she loves, so she studiously pretends that they are just two friends supporting each other amidst an ocean of hurt.

****

Ayla is the one who kisses her. 

It is during one of their late night conversations, and during a lull she catches Leela’s eye and leans in painfully slow, kissing her softly and sweetly. 

Leela’s heart feels like it is going to pound out of her chest at the wave of emotion, and when Ayla pulls back they stare at each other in silence for a few minutes.  She knows that it is wrong, that it is dangerous and she shouldn’t put Ayla in this situation, but then Ayla reaches out and cups her cheek in her hand and Leela can’t bring herself to pull away. 

They kiss for long minutes, and it’s how Leela always wished someone would kiss her. 

She keeps her eyes open the whole time to remind herself that this is real, that she is here with Ayla and not anyone else, and she prays that this fragile thing between them is not their undoing.

****

It is their undoing.

****

She should have known better, should have known that Nick would have people watching them everywhere.  He used to do that back when she was still rebellious. 

He would send her to a job and while she was walking there, all of a sudden one of his buddies would step out of a random doorway and just stand there watching her as she walked past.  Sometimes it would be Nick himself, smirking at her.  The message was always clear: there is nothing I don’t see, so don’t ever try to cross me. 

She and Ayla had been walking to the store to get food for dinner, and Ayla leaned close and laughed at something she said, brushing their hands together.  And Leela saw someone standing in the shadows of the store front they were passing, just as the contact was made, and the wave of fear closed her throat. 

Nobody stepped out, but as they kept walking she knew that _someone_ had seen them, and the pit in her stomach felt like it would swallow her whole.

****

Nick didn’t say anything that night, nor the next, and she prayed that maybe she had been imagining things. 

She waited, and waited, and when nothing happened she thought that maybe someone had finally heard her prayers.  She didn’t say anything to Ayla, because if it was all in her head she didn’t want to scare the other girl and break apart what they had.  It was selfish, and maybe a misguided attempt at protection, but when nothing happened she thought it might have been the right choice.  Their nights continued in much the same fashion they always had, stolen kisses and touches and looks full of love to sustain them. 

Nick sent her out for a job and told her he had business to handle and wouldn’t be back that night, and the whole time all she could think about was coming home to Ayla.  In spite of everything there was a lightness to her steps when she walked up to the door, and a smile caught at the corners of her mouth as she thought about the girl waiting inside for her. 

“Ayla?” 

Not hearing anything, she frowned and walked inside, locking the door behind her.  She absently set her keys down on the table and wondered if Nick had maybe decided to send Ayla out on a job.  She glanced into the bedroom and didn’t see any sign of the other girl.  Walking over to the bathroom, she poked her head inside and her world came crashing down. 

_Ayla._

_In the bathtub._

_Arms slit elbow to wrist._

_Eyes glassy and looking out at Leela with a familiarly accusing stare._

A whimper was all she could manage as she stumbled to the tub and tried to drag Ayla’s body from it.  She fell to her knees with the damp weight and a high keening wail began to rise in her chest.  She bit it back, knowing she couldn’t draw any attention from the neighbors.  Her whole body was shaking, and she buried her nose in the metallic smell of Ayla’s hair. 

_All my fault._  

It repeated over and over in her head for what felt like days until the sound of a car door slamming in the distance jolted her. 

_“_ _You know if anything happens it’s not either of our fault, Leela.”_

Ayla’s voice came to her as if from a dream, the remembered conversation making her eyes well with memory. 

_“I know he’s fucked us both up, and I don’t know what all he did to you before I got here.  But he’s the one doing shit, Leela, not us.  And I know you shield me sometimes, draw his attention to you, but you wouldn’t tell me that it’s my fault he goes after you then.  So now I’m telling you the same thing.”_

She had been nervous at the start of that conversation, had felt like she had to cut off what they were doing to protect Ayla.  Ayla had surprised her with the response, and there wasn’t really any way for her to dispute it, so she had let herself be pulled into small, strong arms that held her comfortingly. 

Shaking her head fiercely to clear the tears, she stood with determination.  She gently lowered Ayla’s body back into the bath, choking back a sob at the sight of the blood staining her clothes.  She dug in her pocket for a cigarette and lit it with trembling fingers. 

“One last time, Ayla,” she murmured, inhaling the smoke deeply before blowing it out.  Using a towel she walked to the kitchen and grabbed the bottle of whiskey from the counter, taking it back into the bathroom with her.  She set it on the floor and then tipped it over, watching the amber liquid spill out onto the floor, soaking into the rug.  Her eyes skimmed over Ayla one final time, and caught on the glint of her horseshoe necklace. 

Leela reached out, carefully undoing the clasp and grasping the small symbol tightly before slipping it in her pocket.  Taking a final drag on her cigarette she stood and walked to the doorway.  A quick flick of her wrist was all it took to send the cigarette butt into the puddle of alcohol, which immediately lit.  She stood and watched, making sure that the flames were catching before she turned and walked to the bedroom. 

She quickly stuffed a change of clothes into a bag, not bothering with anything else.  She had no ID, no documents whatsoever proving who she was, and no money, but those were all things she knew she could come by if she tried hard enough.  Walking slowly back to the front door, she turned and watched flames licking up the walls from the bathroom. 

_I’m so sorry, Ayla._

As the thick black smoke became more pronounced she opened the door and walked out, forcing herself not to look back. 

****

Kalinda Sharma is officially born the day Leela hears the words, “If you do something for me, I’ll do something for you.” 

Peter Florrick is a man who is not used to hearing no, she can tell, and he has the ability to do what she needs.  So there is really only ever one option.

“Okay.”

****

She has crafted a rather magnificent thing for herself here, and she doesn’t take a single second of it for granted.  Her reputation is flawless, and she feels as though she has found a kind of friend in Will.  He is kind to her, doesn’t ask questions, and it is clear that he has no interest in anything beyond friendship (which is something of a rarity these days).  She values that, so when he tells her he needs her to do something for him she doesn’t hesitate to agree. 

“I need you to help Alicia Florrick be successful here.” 

_Oh._

She doesn’t show it, but her stomach plummets a little at the thought of working with that woman, the one whose marriage she had unwittingly helped unravel.  But she can’t tell Will that, can’t ever tell _anyone_ that lest they ask why, so she just nods.  

“Okay.” 

****

The pangs of guilt come less frequently as she becomes friends with Alicia.  _And who would have thought she would ever have a friend like this again._

They get drinks and they talk, and Kalinda never really forgets her part in the pain the lawyer has had to endure, but she is able to set it aside for those few moments.  It feels like a kind of penance at first, like she has to suffer and do this to be a good friend to Will because she owes him, and so she shrugs internally and sucks it up and tells herself it’s karma. 

She never changes her mind about it being karma, but somewhere between the laughter and smiles Alicia brings into her life she starts to believe that _maybe_ it is karma of a different sort.

****

“You slept with my husband.” 

That one sentence eviscerates her in a way she has never experienced, and Kalinda’s mind goes blank.  There are words coming out of her mouth but she can’t think, can’t _breathe_ until suddenly she is in the elevator and her breath comes in great heaving sobs. 

She hasn’t cried like this since- well, in a long time.  Her lungs ache and her vision is blurry as she punches the emergency stop button and then slides to the floor.  She pulls her knees to her chest, and later she will think to herself that this is the moment when it begins. 

This is the moment that Kalinda Sharma begins to shrink, to pull into herself, while Leela’s brokenness lazily unfurls and demands the light of day. 

It is one of the worst moments in her life.

****

She doesn’t think about why Alicia can get to her so easily until much later.  By now Nick has found her (and she _knows_ it’s because of Alicia, even though the other woman hasn’t said anything) and the scuffs on her armor have rusted into fist-sized holes. 

It has been so long since she has felt this powerless and scared, and she hates every second of it.  But she’s even more fucked now than before, and her options are limited.  She can’t go to the police; she faked her own death, incinerated another girl’s body, has exchanged sex for money, been accomplice to countless drug deals Nick has run…the second she takes this to the cops she’s behind bars, and she will not- _cannot-_ put herself in a cage like that. 

She can’t tell anybody what’s really going on, because then she would have to give them the whole fucked up story.  Besides, she doesn’t even really have anyone to tell at this point.  Cary would never understand, Will is battling his own demons, Diane is not even really a friend and she won’t even pick up a gun anyways.  And Alicia… _god, Alicia._  

Kalinda has been spending a lot of time remembering since Nick came back.  It’s not an activity she enjoys.  In fact she hates it with every pore of her being, and every time she remembers something else she is reminded of why she worked so hard to build a new life to lose herself in.  But the remembering about Ayla…when she’s able to stop picturing the exact way the blood droplets looked, and the glassiness of her stare, she remembers the way they had talked and laughed together.  She remembers that, and instead of reminding her why she wants to forget those memories remind her of _Alicia._  

That connection terrifies her, because it alludes to feelings she doesn’t want to acknowledge.  Ayla and Alicia _cannot_ be in the same category in her mind, because it makes Alicia vulnerable. 

It makes Kalinda vulnerable too, but if she’s honest she stopped caring about that a long time ago.

****

“If you think you’re so tough now, why don’t you do it,” Nick goaded her, the confidence that she would never actually harm him oozing out of him.  She was shaking, every fiber of her being desperate to run and hide, but she inhaled quietly and forced herself to stand there.  Any sign of weakness and he would pounce. 

“You really want to kill me over that bitch?  Me, the one who pulled you out of that hellhole?”  His voice was calm- angry, but calm- but the glint of fluorescent light on metal reminded Kalinda just how serious this was. 

His gun was levelled at her, finger on the trigger, aimed at the right side of her chest. 

Hers was aimed at his head.  A kill shot, no room for negotiation or possible survival. 

He had come to her apartment and as soon as she saw his face she knew that he knew, and the image of Alicia sprawled in a bathtub staring at her accusingly had raced behind her eyelids unbidden.  They had both pulled their guns at the same time, and Nick had laughed and told her she was getting predictable. 

He wasn’t laughing any more, though, hadn’t been since they had been stuck in this standoff for hours.  Now he had resorted to sloppily jabbing at her, and it was wearing her down.  She had wanted so much to not have to kill him, because if she killed him then it was so much more likely that her whole sordid past would be uncovered and everyone would look at her with those fucking eyes like she was a poor kicked puppy, something fragile in need of saving, and then everything she had done the last few years would have been pointless. 

“I’ve got my gun pointed right at you, babe.  Is that cunt really worth dying for?”  Kalinda didn’t even have to pause before the answer came to her. 

_Worth dying for.  Worth killing for.  Worth being sent back to hell for._

He read her answer in her eyes and the way her back straightened, and he sneered.  “Well go ahead then.  If you’re going to damn us both then do it!” 

A brief image of Alicia, head tipped back in laughter as her hand grasped a tequila shot and the muted bar lights caught the highlights in her hair, flashed through her mind. 

Kalinda steadied her hand and smiled.  Her finger squeezed the trigger, and she said, “Okay.”

****

The hospital room was bright, the light from the window reflecting off of the crisp white sheets and the stark white walls.  Alicia sat on the edge of the chair, back ramrod straight even as her head bowed. 

Dark eyes blinked open slowly, and Alicia tried to stifle the sob that had been bubbling in her chest.  She only succeeded in choking on her own breath, and in any other situation she was sure Kalinda would have raised an amused eyebrow at her.  Instead, she saw confusion blossom across the other woman’s face as she took in Alicia sitting there, blinking repeatedly as though she thought Alicia would up and disappear. 

“I’m here,” Alicia whispered softly.  Kalinda had been out for four days, and it was understandable she would be confused about Alicia being there.  Alicia had been keeping up pretenses of being angry at Kalinda, but the second she heard what had happened all of that went out the window.  They could figure it out later.  All that mattered was that she saw police come in and make a beeline for Will’s office, and she watched until the moment he roughly sat down in a chair and his face went ashen. 

After that she just remembered snippets of conversation; _Kalinda- murder- laid there for hours- shot- Nick- going into surgery now._  

The details were important, but in that moment all she wanted was to see Kalinda alive and breathing and okay. 

“What…” Assuming Kalinda was trying to ask what had happened, Alicia quickly filled in.  “Nick is dead.  He shot you, the bullet lodged in your abdomen, but they were able to get it out of you.  The police have ruled it self-defense.”   

A minute eye roll, and Alicia could have laughed as she tried again. 

“What am I doing here?”  A slight eyebrow raise and she knew she had guessed correctly. 

She hesitated before answering, searching for words that could convey what she wanted to say.  “You’re…important to me, Kalinda.  And I know I’ve done a miserable job of showing you that, but…I want to fix us.  And _god_ , Kalinda, you could have died!” 

Brown eyes widened at the sudden burst of emotion, and Kalinda did what she did best when she was not sure what the fuck was going on and stayed silent. 

“It doesn’t matter what’s happened, Kalinda, I’m your…well, I don’t even know what I am to you anymore.  But I do know that I’m not going to let you face this on your own.  You’re not alone anymore, okay?” 

Blinking back tears, Kalinda cleared her throat. 

“Okay.”


End file.
